Heartbreak

heartbreak

Heartbreak by Ruth Kim

Sometimes. You break your own heart. Today is one of those days. # heartbreak

#realizations 

I felt that feeling. The sinking feeling that I’ve felt before. The feeling of “Oh, I’ve over given. I’ve done it again.” The part of the story that tells me I’m the one that loves but not in return. The feeling of “I knew better than to agree to something that felt like bullshit.” The part of the story that tells me I am willing to try at all cost to belong but not really belonging.

#dishonestybymutualconsent

I’ve done this sick cycle over and over again. It feels like this time, I have the choice to interrupt the cycle myself. So I made the decision to quit, eject myself from the situation. I pulled the plug on my own heart. For my sake. Heartbreak.

#soberheartbreak

I broke my own heart knowing of a deeper promise of love. That is to love myself at all costs. I have faith that what was broken will heal.

 

Here is a special reflection from Ruth written months after the poem was written:

Trust Her. She knows. Even in heartbreak, She knew it was the only way. The only way to move forward is to feel the heartbreak and be broken completely. I can choose to continue suffering or I can choose the freedom to have what I want. Both paths hurt. However, there is one path that teaches our heart that we are more than our heartbreak.

 

At Backed by Women we know first hand how to navigate the struggles we all go through.  We invite you to join our community.  We have been in business for a year and are excited to announce we are expanding our services.  Learn more about our Mommy Concierge services.

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Dear God

dear god

Dear God

How many days do I start with— Dear God?

How many times do I utter those words?

I remember reading Judy Blume‘ s Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret as a kid.

Sometimes I feel like her.

That innocence and  curiosity with an edge of agitation. You know that one?

Some days I feel joy and abundance.

Most days in utter desperation of not knowing what the future holds, carrying sin’s in my heart, and just plain old humility of my humanity.

Dear God, I pray. Dear God, I cry.

Dear God, I whisper in the dark recesses of my heart.

Some days I forget the gravity of uttering the words— Dear God.

Today, I am aware of the magnitude of calling your name, conversing with You, communing with You.

The God of my understanding is omniscient and He: put me together in spirit and in form, put me on a path to know Him, put me on a path that I may see His love for me and the ones I love.

Whether in joy or sorrow, victory or utterly devastated, You show up in kindness and love.

The chambers of my heart echo songs like these:

Nothing can separate me from Your love

You know the plan for me: plans to prosper me

It is written in my heart to seek and to know of Your love.

Dear God, may I see you and know you today.

~Ruth Kim

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Here is a message from Ruth:

“I love coaching mothers with school aged children. My educational background is in Social Work and early childhood. I’ve been in teaching and education for the last 16 years. The thing I want to offer is wisdom and guidance as your child grows and develops on the path that is right for you and your family. I offer professional advice regarding schooling and education, advocating for your child, understanding if your child is GT as well as any questions you make have about your child’s development.”

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You Do NOT Have To Be Good

You do not have to: a conversation with geese

You Do Not Have To Good:

A Conversation between Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese and Me

You do not have to be good.

Uh. What do you mean, I don’t have to be good. Doesn’t everyone have to be good? Aren’t there rules about this somewhere? Who said that I don’t have to be good?
And why does my heart crack when I hear those words? Why are there tears streaming down?
Don’t I have to be good? Don’t I?
Heaves of tears roll.
I do not have to be good.
Eyes heavy so heavy. Slumber like an old being put to rest.

You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

A sucker punch to the gut with stinging knees and a hundred years of exhaustion. Un-forgiveness firmly rooted as evidenced by my calloused bleeding knees by my ever persistence to believe that old being. Why, you say? Why do you do this to yourself? Why do you make Her beg and repent for the things She wants? Because maybe I believed that old being inside that says that I’m not good and that there couldn’t be enough love inside to make good all the mistakes, judgements, unkind, vile, and harmful things I’ve done. And yet, She doesn’t have an itemized list of the the good and the bad and the atrocious things I’ve done. Only that She’s with me. Loving myself in all those moments uproots un-forgiveness and sets Her free. I don’t have to be good. I can forgive myself.

My borrowed prayer:
“If I have harmed anyone in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through my own confusions, I ask their forgiveness. If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through their own confusions, I forgive them. And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive, I forgive myself for that. For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusions, I forgive myself.”

You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Gulp. This part. This thing I’ve known and tasted before. Where hunger and appetite meet and can’t seem to consume enough. This part She says to set free. It’s true, I love what I love. and it’s soft. and it’s animal.
You do not not have to walk on your knees repenting about the things you love. Like sheep molting layers of that old being. You do not have to be good.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clear blue air, are heading home again.

It’s here. The Land where the wild geese head home. Head home to The Land.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination.

My own imagination was full of traps and tricks to protect this thing called me. I’m finding my imagination needs others, that connection and reflection and the adding to the creative collective, to include the world and it’s possibilities.

It calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

It’s your place to have all your desires. It’s my place to have all my desires. There’s always plenty for everyone in a world of possibilities.
The wild geese and me.

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Breaking the Rules

breaking rules

Breaking the Rules by Ruth Kim

Today is usually a really hard day for me. And it wasn’t. That’s kind of the inappropriate thing to say on the day your mom’s passing. I’m breaking the rules.

I’ve been exploring this thing called feelings. Because I tend to have a lot of them. Whether I tell you or not! It’s shocking to me every time someone says that they can feel my internal state of emotions. The very thing I’ve worked on all of my life to keep buttoned up, manage. Only letting some people experience the a sliver of this rich emotional being inside.

These feelings. All these emotions. It’s all love. Love stuck inside. I live in regret and grief when I keep myself buttoned up. I kept myself buttoned up like all of Queen Victoria’s dresses. Decades of regret become decades of grief… of love unexpressed.

So today, I unbutton some buttons. Let my feelings emotions and thoughts out. And wow. There are a lot of them. They don’t make sense. They contradict. They are just what they are. And it’s ok. I don’t have to make sense of them. Nor does anyone else. I can let myself out.

And I’m realizing that the more I come out and experience the abundance of love to be had. The less I grieve.

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It’s been a year since the launch of Backed By Women

It’s been a year since the launch of Backed By Women. What a year it has been. I’ve been through so much this year. It has been a year of being Backed by Women at every turn. Here are the top 7:

  1. Risk:

Launching a business born out of a deep longing to pay it forward, the abundance of love poured into my life. I have been blessed to have more women in my life to call sisters. I would not be the woman I am today without the connection, support and backing of all the women in my life.

This platform is to provide a place where women around the world, all stages of womanhood can come to get connected to not only survive, but also thrive together through coaching, teaching and community. This is where women are backed by women who have walked in the same path and have wisdom, insight and love to share. A risk on my behalf in offering the greatest gift as women, guideposts and sisterhood among the process of becoming, woman.

  1. Remembering:

Through this year, I had to remember to love myself on those cold dark days where it was just me and all the women in my heart reminding me that I’m worth loving. That I’m the one that needs to love herself more. Such a hard thing to hear and to do… and yet, my life isn’t the same without it. Those voices heard in my heart to take care of myself, to love myself enough. I have women like:

  • Marla: Stay true to yourself!
  • Emma: You have a lot of love to give!
  • Dieniz: Let’s partner and do this together!
  • Becky: We learn and grow in connection!
  • Taisha: Stay connected!

So many others who have partnered with me and are dreaming with me.

 

  1. Rejection:

Nothing is worth anything than the risk to having it. Sometimes you face the response of a no. Feel all there is to feel. And realize that something may not be for you. It’s all a blessing in disguise. As Rev Jo says, “Rejection is God’s protection.” The thing I’m learning is to stay open in the midst of the no because you get to see what else is available, the blessings that you can have.

 

  1. Resigned:

I resigned as a leader in education. I’ve never quit anything in a formal capacity. Never. I’m the one that sees it through, to the end. I broke a rule. I broke a pattern of being. I can say that there is freedom on this side of knowing. My body and my health cannot be sacrificed for anything or anyone any longer. I am now resigned to living a life that is good to my body, my health and my soul.

 

  1. Relationships:

I’ve learned it feels better to do the thing that is true to who you are. For some people, fighting feels so good. For me, fighting is the antithesis of feeling good. I think it’s because I’m a gentle yet fierce creature. It’s my job to teach others how to be in relationship with me. It’s been eye opening on how much more I can open when I people know this about me!

 

  1. Relocating

I’ve relocated home. Home is where I feel good. It’s not where I have to work or because my family is there. Home is where I come to heal, rest, come alive, and get nourished. After 13 years of living in NYC, I’ve come to terms that I need a slower and gentler pace to feel good. I’ve relocated to northern California, in a valley between mountains with rivers that run through it. Living here, I’m firmly reminded that relocating to where it feels good was the best decision I’ve made in my life.

 

  1. Restoration

4 months before relocating, I had been run down with some sort of flu after flu. Doctor after doctor said each time that I hadn’t rested enough and got sick, again. Month after month, struggling to rest, struggling to work, struggling to exist. I spent 3 weeks sleeping, eating and hydrating. Moved to northern California and rested some more. Living from a place of rest. My health in 2 weeks of moving, dramatically changed. I no longer had the flu. I no longer need thyroid medicine. I feel so much better!!!

 

None of this is possible without the women in my life supporting me from risk to reward, from suffering to restoration. I used to live life having to line all my ducks in a row to feel like I’m safe. Those ducks were my safety net and I did it by myself. I’ve come to a deep realization that the safety net isn’t ME or any ducks! My safety net are the women who support me with deep connection, telling the truth, sharing the overflow of love and a whole lot of fun.  This is my hope for all of us at Backed By Women and all of us on the path of becoming women, one day at a time.

 

A moment of gratitude for those of you supporting me, us, this endeavor to change the tide on how we relate as women. Thank you for your support, your love, your attention. We aren’t connected here by mistake. There is something true, undeniable, and important here. Thank you for recognizing us and sharing your likes and posts. Keepem’ comin’! We have more comin’!

Feminine Fun & Freedom

There is a strong current of energy that circulates internally and magnifies within a space of women who are unapologetically living from the core of their being. We amplify each other when we feel safe to express ourselves through our heart, our soul, our dance. We give ourselves and each other an allowance of beauty to just be. There is no room for self doubt here. We know true power when we thrive in unity and connection. It’s in this sacred space, we get free.

Join us women from for our very first Feminine Fun and Freedom Gathering, a full night and day celebration to bring out and reveal who you are, who you really are.

Drop in and call forth your vulnerable essence, your powerful creative genius, your fierce beast, your inner sensual Goddess self! Connect and nurture your femininity and bring her out. All parts of you are welcome here!

Our event is located in a luxurious Silk temple in Marina Del ray, home to our beautiful host Alorah Inanna, Goddess of Wildness and Permission. She will be engaging with every single Goddess, bringing you into the divine and spiritual experience of being wrapped in beautiful silk where you feel love in every tuck. We will then have a women circle for story telling and shares facilitated by Values & Embodiment Coach, Tiffany Lin. Followed by a grounding cacao ceremony and sound healing led by shamanic healer Dr. Marie Mbouni.

At night, we sleep and dream in connection on silk bedding sheets. With healthy breakfast options, we open the day to wind dancing by the beach. Alorah will be recording and photographing the whole experience and sharing the photos as a celebratory remembrance of you in your element.

As we learn experientially what surrender means, see yourself blossom from night and into the day. Let go of who you thought you had to be and transform into who you truly are.

Info About our Facilitators
We are 3 generations. 3 races. 3 cultures. Here to serve love and dive deep into uncovering what the Feminine really is.

Alorah Inanna
Discovering language before sexual shame, and with nearly 30 years of experience embodying the Deep Divine Feminine, Alorah Inanna’s presence alone gives permission for play and wildness to come through. Known for her Authenticity, Sensuality & Radical Wisdom, Alorah call us “Out of our Story and Into our Glory”, inspiring us to be Expressive and Free!

Goddess of Wildness and Permission
www.alorahinanna.com
IG: @alorahinanna

Dr. Marie Mbouni
Dr. Marie Mbouni’s experience is integrated as they come. As a Practicing Medical Doctor, Full Spectrum Healer, Womb Wisdom Alchemist, Cosmic Tantram Sound, Shamanic, and Energy Medicine, Ceremonialist (imagine saying that in an interview…) All these techniques help her share her Medicine which is LOVE. She offers transformational experiences for change makers and leaders wanting to step into their power and purpose.

Founder at Remembering Love: Conscoiusness, Sexuality, Sovereignty, Success
www.mariembouni.com
IG: @dr.mariembouni

Tiffany Lin
Tiffany is a traveling Embodiment and Empowerment Coach who’s purpose is to change the culture of how we connect and relate with our body and to each other. Founder of reMINDmeValues, intuitive healer, Orgasmic Meditation Trainer, and writer, her pursuit of living a feminine life is inspired by the amazing people she meets along her journey. She coaches women to live and freely express themselves through words and action.

Founder of reMINDmeValues
www.remindmevalues.com
View at Medium.com
IG: @remindmevalues @tifflin123


Purchase your ticket here!

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/feminine-fun-and-freedom-tickets-37057961360

Ticket Price Includes:
– Silk dress with custom wrapping and blessing
– Cacao Ceremony
– Sound Healing
– Coaching Circle
– Custom set of reMINDmebands
– Overnight lodging (silk sheets)
– Healthy Breakfast
– Wind Dancing at the beach with personal shots/professional photography
– Sisterhood + Connection

Join Us for an Exclusive Coaching Circle for Moms

Coaching Circle for Moms

It’s time for moms to come together to talk about what it’s like being a woman and a mother. How do we navigate our own desire when we are busy taking care of kids, a relationship and a home? How do we follow our own desire and not be riddled with guilt? Keep our sex life alive? Or reignite it? How do we be a woman while still being a great mom? How can we have what we want when our default is to take care of everyone else?

Being on a ten year path of exploration, I have learned a lot. I have transformed myself, my life, and through that my relationship with my self, my children, my partner and the people around me is better than ever. The Dalai Lama said the world will be healed by the western woman. That is true. It starts with us, the women, the mothers.

If you are ready to take a stand for yourself, the time is now. Join my Circle for Moms! We will talk about topics such as desire, self love, sex, relationships, voice, purpose, authenticity and sisterhood.

This Circle is for you if you:
~are a mom and often navigate between being a woman and being a mother
~want to follow your true desire more and often find yourself doing for others more than yourself
~are interested in any or all of these topics: desire, self love, sex, relationship, parenting, speaking your voice, living more authentically
~want to work with me and want to start with a smaller bite

Details:

~Circle will be virtual, so moms anywhere may join in

~Time/day will be determined by the participants #momslikeitconvenient

~We will start at the end of October

~Circle is 6 weeks, one video call a week, 75 minutes

Investment:

$395 register by September 25

$449 register by October 10

$495 register after October 11

Let’s chat! If you would like to know more, let’s set up a zero obligation chat to see if this Circle for Moms is for you. Email me goddessbrenda24@gmail.com to set up a time that’s convenient for you.

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/coaching-circle-for-moms-tickets-37855072541

The Value of The Feminine by Yael Nevo

Looking back on the phases of the Western feminist revolution (and a revolution it is!), a lot has been accomplished, and we still have a long way to go.
I am a feminist. I proudly call myself a feminist because I know that I would not be where I am today and would not be able to have the experiences that I have had, if it wasn’t for many women (and men) who have and are backing me. I am also a feminist because I look at the world and I see a crisis that could only be changed by an increase of the currency we give feminine values.
Looking back on the social changes brought about by the feminist movement, first women had to straggle to have a voice. The rights for political participation, studying, working – women wanted to be in the world, to engage with and influence the decisions we take as a society. Then came a deeper and more fundamental change. Women wanted special rights based on different needs than men. We created flexible working conditions, maternity leave, a change in research methodologies etc. – we wanted an end to seeing men as the norm and having women forced to align. Then came a more substantial understanding of the differences between women. How class and race and sexual preferences and disability and age interact to create different views, needs and goals. Along this time, the concept of Queer gained momentum as well and we began to understand that our femininity (and masculinity) does not dwell in us simply because of our biological structure. It is wider, fluid and more complex than we thought.
Our world today has only scratched the surface of our understanding of Gender. This is true both essentially – meaning how we all carry different feminine and masculine energies within us, and more importantly, socially – meaning the extent of the permission we allow ourselves to explore these aspects in us and in others. We live in a society that declares equality for women, but constantly fails to acknowledge the true value of ‘The Feminine’, whether it is manifested within women, men, and everything in between.
And yes, using the term ‘The Feminine’ is tricky, so allow me to clarify. When using this phrase, I am referring to traits such as care, intuition, vulnerability, softness. The reason I am associating these qualities with femininity is not because women have sole ownership of them, but because these have historically and socially been attributed and therefore encouraged in women, and because these values have lower currency in our society than values that are associated with men such as rationality, strength and independence. Since we live in a world that adheres by the latter set of values and conforms all of us to align behind them, regardless of our gender identity, we still exclude many women from their legitimacy to full participation. I use the term ‘The Feminine’ as a way to reclaim what has been passed around as spoiled goods and show it for its true nature – life-sustaining force.
What we are experiencing is a crisis of connection. As a society, we are losing the capacity to truly relate to each other, by rewarding zero sum game of competition, valuing facts over feelings and suppressing emotions. We live isolated, over-worked, compensating for our lack in true connection by over-eating, over-drinking, shopping, porn and binge-watching. We look away from the suffering of others, and we rarely ask for help ourselves.
This hierarchal structure appears natural. This is how we were brought up – feminine values are underrated and appear weak if we were to express them, we will be put down, judged by others, and ourselves. However this structure is not a force of nature. It is a social structure meant to benefit the few. Maintaining unequal divisions, based in dog eat dog competition that serves this structure – keeps us separated, lonely, angry. This in turn creates space for more and more extreme voices, violence breaks and we either take part or numb ourselves in the face of it. Overall, we are distracted and depleted enough for this mechanism to keep going, for secret deals of arms trade or genetically modified food to go through, for our health and education services budget to be cut once again. And so we are detached from our real birthright of connection. We stopped caring for ourselves, for others, for our environment. We have lost the fundamental energy that will push us forward and tilt the scale from destruction to creation. And those few at the top, isn’t it the lack of connection that has them act so selfishly?
Imagine a world where care has a monetary value, where the more you show up for others and put attention on your environment, the more you are rewarded. A world where these values are not secondary or taken for granted, they are not something to practice on your spare time and they are not charity. What if we decide, right now that our care for other people and the acknowledgment of theirs and our own vulnerability were as important, if not more, than the matter of fact, utilitarian approach to life. What if we were to look at these as an investment, as a muscle that the more you flex it, the stronger it gets. What if we value the feminine, and the people who hold it not just as equals, but as precious?
And so the next step for feminism, the way I see it, is to acknowledge the deep deprivation we are living in, and to support not only women, but The Feminine, wherever and with whomever it shows up. It is time to feel.

Professional Cuddling with Dieniz

Paying to get cuddles is not as unusual as some might think. It is, in fact, a real business built to help people who feel lonely, depressed, or simply in need of an extra cuddle from a stranger.

You can look at it as an upgrade to the “free hugs” you sometimes see on the streets. The difference is there’s a registered company behind it, an hourly rate, and even a certified diploma.

The company, Cuddlist says: “Touch plays an important role in building social connections and most of us don’t get enough touch in our lives.”

How can cuddling with a stranger help combat loneliness and feel better with others? I decided to give it a try myself and find out.

This is my video experience with Dieniz, who is a “professional cuddlist.” I had a one-hour session with her and she introduced me to this entirely new world of “cuddling.”

Despite mine lasting one hour, a session can go up to six hours. It is all up to the client, together with deciding what to do and how to structure the time.

Cuddlist charges £80 per hour. If you’re interested in trying, Dieniz also offered a discounted rate for Business Insider readers.

This article was originally published on Businessinsider.com

Book excerpt from Bad Mamma by Louise

*Bad Mamma* – a book excerpt from Louise, one of the women we BACK!

Sundays are tricky.
Or they used to be.
It took me to ever for ever to figure that out. In the beginning I thought it was because the kids had been at my place for seven days and I was tired and they wouldn’t sleep and that is a great story.
One of many one could tell of Sunday nights.

My understanding of it is different now though.

This came to my attention on a Sunday night at 9:30 PM I was on the call that I really wanted to be on and so “of course” my kids for a bickering about how much light should be in the room, who was talking more, who started it, and that was being disruptive with the other one that was telling them to slow down and be quiet I was he in getting ear plugs and dripping saltwater in sore eyes, basically I was not able to be on the call at all and it lasted only an hour.

And I got super annoyed like, “okay I just needed to be in this call for an hour can you guys just shut up and go to sleep already I mean what’s the problem”. okay so I didn’t actually say that that’s how I felt. And I was so on my way into blaming them and being annoyed at them and going into the story of “I will never have what I want”. And when something is really important you sure as hell will show up and disappeared for me. I realise this is not a pretty-momma story. And I think for a while I had a story about not being a very great mum. It runs in the family. As the best stories do. I just took me a while to see how I was creating my story in my own life.

But then I remembered but a friend of mine Lucy said just a few days before “be mindful of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory”.

Because the truth of the matter is that I hated Sunday nights. I really hated them. And I was working really hard to not see why. Because Monday mornings my kids go to my ex-husband, and I won’t see them for a week. And really that is very painful to me. I miss them. A lot. But it’s just too painful to feel those feelings. So I unconsciously created a little drama Sunday nights and conflicts with them or between them so that I would get annoyed with them and protect myself from feeling the hurt and the longing, the sadness of missing them, the shame of being the one who filed for divorce, the one who created their life like this. That responsibility still feels pretty heavy on my shoulders. But I’m done. So done. Protecting myself from feeling the pain and losing out on how much I love them and how much it sucks on a Sunday night.
I am done blaming them for not getting what I want. Because it’s not true. And. I will get what I want. I will get what I need and they are not the ones who stand in my way. I am. Or. I was.
No more bad mamma stories.

I’m gonna allow myself to feel the hurt, the yearning, the love.
Because that’s all it really is, it’s love.
I love them so much it hurts.
And thats ok.
Now.