Wake Up

wake upWake up

I wake up at the break of dawn

Full pulsing warm wet

I am reminded of the work being done during slumber.

Deep dreams of magic, where spirits and souls play

Deep magic where the things without words, those utterances take shape and form into words that strum the chords and echo throughout my body.

I wake up at the break of dawn

Full pulsing warm wet

 

Connect with a coach NOW

Follow up on Facebook

 

Aftermath of Heartbreak

aftermath

Aftermath of Heartbreak by Ruth Kim

Aftermath

aftermath. You know when you’ve cried so much your teeth hurt, your eyes are swollen shut and you just can’t breathe anymore? Like you’ve cried the tears of all the unshed tears, your own and generations of women in my lineage. You wake up with the morning dew of all those expressed emotions you can’t take back. Because you know, there is no turning back to that way of love and life anymore. #spiritualawakening#lifeinthecrucible

I had a thought this morning. That I’ve spent most of my life trying to belong, be loved by someone else, family, friends, etc. I would do crazy things to belong and to be loved. Over giving, over eager, over the top whatever it was to belong and be loved. Then add on to that all the ways I acquiesced, agreed to things that didn’t feel good or the thing I knew in my gut it wasn’t going to turn out well and did it anyway. I even made this over giving and acquiescing a career for almost 20 years because a lifetime hobby wasn’t enough. And guess what. None of it got me anything remotely close to what I wanted. Because the thing I wanted didn’t live over there with someone else. The thing I wanted lives inside of me. No one can fill that.

The thing I couldn’t wrap my heart around was belonging to myself, loving myself. That. That is the best place to belong, be loved. Ain’t nobody gonna love me, like I do. Easier said than done, for sure. AND isn’t this the work for all of us?

Be kind; for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. – Socrates

This kindness Socrates speaks about comes from being kind to yourself. Loving yourself. Knowing that you belong to you. There is nothing for me to “get” that I don’t already have within myself: love and belonging.

#therevelation

A new foundation. Feels naked. Feels raw. Feels right.

Aftermath

Join one of our trained coaches on a free exploratory call NOW

Follow us on Insta 

 

 

You still want to be friends?

friends

You still want to be friends?

You and me,

we’ve done a lot together.

Explored some unfamiliar territories,

stretched to some unknowing edges.

We let out the dark parts. The raw parts.

You and me,

said some things,

Love and hate,

To connect and disconnect.

Felt some things,

both ecstasy and that dark primal heat.

Consumed and drowning in pleasure,

tearing at our hearts raw and beating.

Discomfort. For sure.

Boundaries crossed. Definitely.

Violations. Check.

And is there love?

You and me,

is it possible to be friends?

Even after all that?

I wasn’t good,

I wasn’t close to good.

I was too much and not enough,

I was all consuming and retracted.

I followed the rules and broke them all.

I let you in my heart and pushed you away.

I was honest and manipulative.

I was controlling and free.

I was out of control and tightly zipped.

I was light and dark.

Is this friendship?

I told you everything. Unfiltered.

The good, bad, provoking, tantalizing.

All of it from the inside out.

I opened up myself in dark places I rarely go.

Untethered and angry.

Messy crazy unbuttoned and real.

Even after all that.

You still want to be friends?

I’m challenged by that admission.

I’m confronted to know that there is enough love between us to have.

That I can be that awful and you still want to be friends.

I am now sobering up.

Embarrassed that I couldn’t see that you didn’t want me that intimately.

Terrifically humiliated by my behavior. And shocked.

It leads me to sit with myself.

Do I have enough love for myself to forgive myself and stay connected?

Is this my ego at play that I can’t bend towards loving these parts of me?

My own admission that I have lots of for love you but I don’t have enough love for myself yet. That. Breaks my heart.

So for now.

I’m working on befriending myself.

Figuring out how to be friends with everyone while I’m loving myself in places that feel unlovable.

Bending my ego, wrestling it down to allow for my imperfections, darkness, flaws to be loved.

 

Follow us on Insta

Book a FREE call with a coach today

Dear God

dear god

Dear God

How many days do I start with— Dear God?

How many times do I utter those words?

I remember reading Judy Blume‘ s Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret as a kid.

Sometimes I feel like her.

That innocence and  curiosity with an edge of agitation. You know that one?

Some days I feel joy and abundance.

Most days in utter desperation of not knowing what the future holds, carrying sin’s in my heart, and just plain old humility of my humanity.

Dear God, I pray. Dear God, I cry.

Dear God, I whisper in the dark recesses of my heart.

Some days I forget the gravity of uttering the words— Dear God.

Today, I am aware of the magnitude of calling your name, conversing with You, communing with You.

The God of my understanding is omniscient and He: put me together in spirit and in form, put me on a path to know Him, put me on a path that I may see His love for me and the ones I love.

Whether in joy or sorrow, victory or utterly devastated, You show up in kindness and love.

The chambers of my heart echo songs like these:

Nothing can separate me from Your love

You know the plan for me: plans to prosper me

It is written in my heart to seek and to know of Your love.

Dear God, may I see you and know you today.

~Ruth Kim

Coach with Ruth Today (click link to book a free session)

Here is a message from Ruth:

“I love coaching mothers with school aged children. My educational background is in Social Work and early childhood. I’ve been in teaching and education for the last 16 years. The thing I want to offer is wisdom and guidance as your child grows and develops on the path that is right for you and your family. I offer professional advice regarding schooling and education, advocating for your child, understanding if your child is GT as well as any questions you make have about your child’s development.”

Follow us on Insta

You Do NOT Have To Be Good

You do not have to: a conversation with geese

You Do Not Have To Good:

A Conversation between Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese and Me

You do not have to be good.

Uh. What do you mean, I don’t have to be good. Doesn’t everyone have to be good? Aren’t there rules about this somewhere? Who said that I don’t have to be good?
And why does my heart crack when I hear those words? Why are there tears streaming down?
Don’t I have to be good? Don’t I?
Heaves of tears roll.
I do not have to be good.
Eyes heavy so heavy. Slumber like an old being put to rest.

You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

A sucker punch to the gut with stinging knees and a hundred years of exhaustion. Un-forgiveness firmly rooted as evidenced by my calloused bleeding knees by my ever persistence to believe that old being. Why, you say? Why do you do this to yourself? Why do you make Her beg and repent for the things She wants? Because maybe I believed that old being inside that says that I’m not good and that there couldn’t be enough love inside to make good all the mistakes, judgements, unkind, vile, and harmful things I’ve done. And yet, She doesn’t have an itemized list of the the good and the bad and the atrocious things I’ve done. Only that She’s with me. Loving myself in all those moments uproots un-forgiveness and sets Her free. I don’t have to be good. I can forgive myself.

My borrowed prayer:
“If I have harmed anyone in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through my own confusions, I ask their forgiveness. If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through their own confusions, I forgive them. And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive, I forgive myself for that. For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusions, I forgive myself.”

You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Gulp. This part. This thing I’ve known and tasted before. Where hunger and appetite meet and can’t seem to consume enough. This part She says to set free. It’s true, I love what I love. and it’s soft. and it’s animal.
You do not not have to walk on your knees repenting about the things you love. Like sheep molting layers of that old being. You do not have to be good.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clear blue air, are heading home again.

It’s here. The Land where the wild geese head home. Head home to The Land.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination.

My own imagination was full of traps and tricks to protect this thing called me. I’m finding my imagination needs others, that connection and reflection and the adding to the creative collective, to include the world and it’s possibilities.

It calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

It’s your place to have all your desires. It’s my place to have all my desires. There’s always plenty for everyone in a world of possibilities.
The wild geese and me.

Follow us on Insta!

Book a session NOW

Breaking the Rules

breaking rules

Breaking the Rules by Ruth Kim

Today is usually a really hard day for me. And it wasn’t. That’s kind of the inappropriate thing to say on the day your mom’s passing. I’m breaking the rules.

I’ve been exploring this thing called feelings. Because I tend to have a lot of them. Whether I tell you or not! It’s shocking to me every time someone says that they can feel my internal state of emotions. The very thing I’ve worked on all of my life to keep buttoned up, manage. Only letting some people experience the a sliver of this rich emotional being inside.

These feelings. All these emotions. It’s all love. Love stuck inside. I live in regret and grief when I keep myself buttoned up. I kept myself buttoned up like all of Queen Victoria’s dresses. Decades of regret become decades of grief… of love unexpressed.

So today, I unbutton some buttons. Let my feelings emotions and thoughts out. And wow. There are a lot of them. They don’t make sense. They contradict. They are just what they are. And it’s ok. I don’t have to make sense of them. Nor does anyone else. I can let myself out.

And I’m realizing that the more I come out and experience the abundance of love to be had. The less I grieve.

Follow us on social media!

Join a coach for a free exploratory session today!