Aftermath of Heartbreak

aftermath

Aftermath of Heartbreak by Ruth Kim

Aftermath

aftermath. You know when you’ve cried so much your teeth hurt, your eyes are swollen shut and you just can’t breathe anymore? Like you’ve cried the tears of all the unshed tears, your own and generations of women in my lineage. You wake up with the morning dew of all those expressed emotions you can’t take back. Because you know, there is no turning back to that way of love and life anymore. #spiritualawakening#lifeinthecrucible

I had a thought this morning. That I’ve spent most of my life trying to belong, be loved by someone else, family, friends, etc. I would do crazy things to belong and to be loved. Over giving, over eager, over the top whatever it was to belong and be loved. Then add on to that all the ways I acquiesced, agreed to things that didn’t feel good or the thing I knew in my gut it wasn’t going to turn out well and did it anyway. I even made this over giving and acquiescing a career for almost 20 years because a lifetime hobby wasn’t enough. And guess what. None of it got me anything remotely close to what I wanted. Because the thing I wanted didn’t live over there with someone else. The thing I wanted lives inside of me. No one can fill that.

The thing I couldn’t wrap my heart around was belonging to myself, loving myself. That. That is the best place to belong, be loved. Ain’t nobody gonna love me, like I do. Easier said than done, for sure. AND isn’t this the work for all of us?

Be kind; for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. – Socrates

This kindness Socrates speaks about comes from being kind to yourself. Loving yourself. Knowing that you belong to you. There is nothing for me to “get” that I don’t already have within myself: love and belonging.

#therevelation

A new foundation. Feels naked. Feels raw. Feels right.

Aftermath

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Heartbreak

heartbreak

Heartbreak by Ruth Kim

Sometimes. You break your own heart. Today is one of those days. # heartbreak

#realizations 

I felt that feeling. The sinking feeling that I’ve felt before. The feeling of “Oh, I’ve over given. I’ve done it again.” The part of the story that tells me I’m the one that loves but not in return. The feeling of “I knew better than to agree to something that felt like bullshit.” The part of the story that tells me I am willing to try at all cost to belong but not really belonging.

#dishonestybymutualconsent

I’ve done this sick cycle over and over again. It feels like this time, I have the choice to interrupt the cycle myself. So I made the decision to quit, eject myself from the situation. I pulled the plug on my own heart. For my sake. Heartbreak.

#soberheartbreak

I broke my own heart knowing of a deeper promise of love. That is to love myself at all costs. I have faith that what was broken will heal.

 

Here is a special reflection from Ruth written months after the poem was written:

Trust Her. She knows. Even in heartbreak, She knew it was the only way. The only way to move forward is to feel the heartbreak and be broken completely. I can choose to continue suffering or I can choose the freedom to have what I want. Both paths hurt. However, there is one path that teaches our heart that we are more than our heartbreak.

 

At Backed by Women we know first hand how to navigate the struggles we all go through.  We invite you to join our community.  We have been in business for a year and are excited to announce we are expanding our services.  Learn more about our Mommy Concierge services.

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You still want to be friends?

friends

You still want to be friends?

You and me,

we’ve done a lot together.

Explored some unfamiliar territories,

stretched to some unknowing edges.

We let out the dark parts. The raw parts.

You and me,

said some things,

Love and hate,

To connect and disconnect.

Felt some things,

both ecstasy and that dark primal heat.

Consumed and drowning in pleasure,

tearing at our hearts raw and beating.

Discomfort. For sure.

Boundaries crossed. Definitely.

Violations. Check.

And is there love?

You and me,

is it possible to be friends?

Even after all that?

I wasn’t good,

I wasn’t close to good.

I was too much and not enough,

I was all consuming and retracted.

I followed the rules and broke them all.

I let you in my heart and pushed you away.

I was honest and manipulative.

I was controlling and free.

I was out of control and tightly zipped.

I was light and dark.

Is this friendship?

I told you everything. Unfiltered.

The good, bad, provoking, tantalizing.

All of it from the inside out.

I opened up myself in dark places I rarely go.

Untethered and angry.

Messy crazy unbuttoned and real.

Even after all that.

You still want to be friends?

I’m challenged by that admission.

I’m confronted to know that there is enough love between us to have.

That I can be that awful and you still want to be friends.

I am now sobering up.

Embarrassed that I couldn’t see that you didn’t want me that intimately.

Terrifically humiliated by my behavior. And shocked.

It leads me to sit with myself.

Do I have enough love for myself to forgive myself and stay connected?

Is this my ego at play that I can’t bend towards loving these parts of me?

My own admission that I have lots of for love you but I don’t have enough love for myself yet. That. Breaks my heart.

So for now.

I’m working on befriending myself.

Figuring out how to be friends with everyone while I’m loving myself in places that feel unlovable.

Bending my ego, wrestling it down to allow for my imperfections, darkness, flaws to be loved.

 

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Dear God

dear god

Dear God

How many days do I start with— Dear God?

How many times do I utter those words?

I remember reading Judy Blume‘ s Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret as a kid.

Sometimes I feel like her.

That innocence and  curiosity with an edge of agitation. You know that one?

Some days I feel joy and abundance.

Most days in utter desperation of not knowing what the future holds, carrying sin’s in my heart, and just plain old humility of my humanity.

Dear God, I pray. Dear God, I cry.

Dear God, I whisper in the dark recesses of my heart.

Some days I forget the gravity of uttering the words— Dear God.

Today, I am aware of the magnitude of calling your name, conversing with You, communing with You.

The God of my understanding is omniscient and He: put me together in spirit and in form, put me on a path to know Him, put me on a path that I may see His love for me and the ones I love.

Whether in joy or sorrow, victory or utterly devastated, You show up in kindness and love.

The chambers of my heart echo songs like these:

Nothing can separate me from Your love

You know the plan for me: plans to prosper me

It is written in my heart to seek and to know of Your love.

Dear God, may I see you and know you today.

~Ruth Kim

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Here is a message from Ruth:

“I love coaching mothers with school aged children. My educational background is in Social Work and early childhood. I’ve been in teaching and education for the last 16 years. The thing I want to offer is wisdom and guidance as your child grows and develops on the path that is right for you and your family. I offer professional advice regarding schooling and education, advocating for your child, understanding if your child is GT as well as any questions you make have about your child’s development.”

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Introducing Coffee Talk Coaching with Nancy Coleman

coffeetalkcoaching

At Backed by Women, we are thrilled to introduce Coffee Talk Coaching with Nancy Coleman

” Nancy Coleman at Coffee Talk Coaching is one of the most skilled coaches in navigating the complexities of the mind and heart. Book a session with her and do the work to set your soul free.”- Ruth Kim, Founder of Backed by Women

Nancy recently launched her business and this is what she has to say about her vision:

“A force greater than ourselves is always included in my coffee talk coaching; always. ITS power is beyond a human power and together we take the journey of recognizing that we are not alone and healing happens in connection. I believe in the power of the dismantling of a false reality where the noise and unnecessary suffering can stop; where making a single shift in perception and perspective changes everything in an instant; and a spiritual experience can occur.

Sometimes we think that there should be an easier way for all this to happen but I believe it requires a sincere effort, a desire so deep that you will do whatever it takes to get free. I made this vow to God over and over and I became constantly faced with the challenge of doing the work to be true to my vow.

 

We all have the conditions of our lives that created our belief systems and resulting behaviors and emotional reactions. What I found is that no person could do the work for me. No therapist or bodyworker could help me release myself into freeing My mind. I found that it was me and God together — with guidance from teachers — but my teachers could only guide me in the direction I needed to go but couldn’t do the actual work for me.

I find that not everyone is wired to want to do this kind of work. I am.  And I love working with people who are ready to roll their sleeves up and do the work. I am only a guide, you will do the work required for yourself. If this is what you want, I’m in.”

Learn more about Backed by Women’s Services here

You Do NOT Have To Be Good

You do not have to: a conversation with geese

You Do Not Have To Good:

A Conversation between Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese and Me

You do not have to be good.

Uh. What do you mean, I don’t have to be good. Doesn’t everyone have to be good? Aren’t there rules about this somewhere? Who said that I don’t have to be good?
And why does my heart crack when I hear those words? Why are there tears streaming down?
Don’t I have to be good? Don’t I?
Heaves of tears roll.
I do not have to be good.
Eyes heavy so heavy. Slumber like an old being put to rest.

You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

A sucker punch to the gut with stinging knees and a hundred years of exhaustion. Un-forgiveness firmly rooted as evidenced by my calloused bleeding knees by my ever persistence to believe that old being. Why, you say? Why do you do this to yourself? Why do you make Her beg and repent for the things She wants? Because maybe I believed that old being inside that says that I’m not good and that there couldn’t be enough love inside to make good all the mistakes, judgements, unkind, vile, and harmful things I’ve done. And yet, She doesn’t have an itemized list of the the good and the bad and the atrocious things I’ve done. Only that She’s with me. Loving myself in all those moments uproots un-forgiveness and sets Her free. I don’t have to be good. I can forgive myself.

My borrowed prayer:
“If I have harmed anyone in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through my own confusions, I ask their forgiveness. If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through their own confusions, I forgive them. And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive, I forgive myself for that. For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusions, I forgive myself.”

You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Gulp. This part. This thing I’ve known and tasted before. Where hunger and appetite meet and can’t seem to consume enough. This part She says to set free. It’s true, I love what I love. and it’s soft. and it’s animal.
You do not not have to walk on your knees repenting about the things you love. Like sheep molting layers of that old being. You do not have to be good.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clear blue air, are heading home again.

It’s here. The Land where the wild geese head home. Head home to The Land.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination.

My own imagination was full of traps and tricks to protect this thing called me. I’m finding my imagination needs others, that connection and reflection and the adding to the creative collective, to include the world and it’s possibilities.

It calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

It’s your place to have all your desires. It’s my place to have all my desires. There’s always plenty for everyone in a world of possibilities.
The wild geese and me.

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Breaking the Rules

breaking rules

Breaking the Rules by Ruth Kim

Today is usually a really hard day for me. And it wasn’t. That’s kind of the inappropriate thing to say on the day your mom’s passing. I’m breaking the rules.

I’ve been exploring this thing called feelings. Because I tend to have a lot of them. Whether I tell you or not! It’s shocking to me every time someone says that they can feel my internal state of emotions. The very thing I’ve worked on all of my life to keep buttoned up, manage. Only letting some people experience the a sliver of this rich emotional being inside.

These feelings. All these emotions. It’s all love. Love stuck inside. I live in regret and grief when I keep myself buttoned up. I kept myself buttoned up like all of Queen Victoria’s dresses. Decades of regret become decades of grief… of love unexpressed.

So today, I unbutton some buttons. Let my feelings emotions and thoughts out. And wow. There are a lot of them. They don’t make sense. They contradict. They are just what they are. And it’s ok. I don’t have to make sense of them. Nor does anyone else. I can let myself out.

And I’m realizing that the more I come out and experience the abundance of love to be had. The less I grieve.

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Feminine Fun & Freedom

There is a strong current of energy that circulates internally and magnifies within a space of women who are unapologetically living from the core of their being. We amplify each other when we feel safe to express ourselves through our heart, our soul, our dance. We give ourselves and each other an allowance of beauty to just be. There is no room for self doubt here. We know true power when we thrive in unity and connection. It’s in this sacred space, we get free.

Join us women from for our very first Feminine Fun and Freedom Gathering, a full night and day celebration to bring out and reveal who you are, who you really are.

Drop in and call forth your vulnerable essence, your powerful creative genius, your fierce beast, your inner sensual Goddess self! Connect and nurture your femininity and bring her out. All parts of you are welcome here!

Our event is located in a luxurious Silk temple in Marina Del ray, home to our beautiful host Alorah Inanna, Goddess of Wildness and Permission. She will be engaging with every single Goddess, bringing you into the divine and spiritual experience of being wrapped in beautiful silk where you feel love in every tuck. We will then have a women circle for story telling and shares facilitated by Values & Embodiment Coach, Tiffany Lin. Followed by a grounding cacao ceremony and sound healing led by shamanic healer Dr. Marie Mbouni.

At night, we sleep and dream in connection on silk bedding sheets. With healthy breakfast options, we open the day to wind dancing by the beach. Alorah will be recording and photographing the whole experience and sharing the photos as a celebratory remembrance of you in your element.

As we learn experientially what surrender means, see yourself blossom from night and into the day. Let go of who you thought you had to be and transform into who you truly are.

Info About our Facilitators
We are 3 generations. 3 races. 3 cultures. Here to serve love and dive deep into uncovering what the Feminine really is.

Alorah Inanna
Discovering language before sexual shame, and with nearly 30 years of experience embodying the Deep Divine Feminine, Alorah Inanna’s presence alone gives permission for play and wildness to come through. Known for her Authenticity, Sensuality & Radical Wisdom, Alorah call us “Out of our Story and Into our Glory”, inspiring us to be Expressive and Free!

Goddess of Wildness and Permission
www.alorahinanna.com
IG: @alorahinanna

Dr. Marie Mbouni
Dr. Marie Mbouni’s experience is integrated as they come. As a Practicing Medical Doctor, Full Spectrum Healer, Womb Wisdom Alchemist, Cosmic Tantram Sound, Shamanic, and Energy Medicine, Ceremonialist (imagine saying that in an interview…) All these techniques help her share her Medicine which is LOVE. She offers transformational experiences for change makers and leaders wanting to step into their power and purpose.

Founder at Remembering Love: Conscoiusness, Sexuality, Sovereignty, Success
www.mariembouni.com
IG: @dr.mariembouni

Tiffany Lin
Tiffany is a traveling Embodiment and Empowerment Coach who’s purpose is to change the culture of how we connect and relate with our body and to each other. Founder of reMINDmeValues, intuitive healer, Orgasmic Meditation Trainer, and writer, her pursuit of living a feminine life is inspired by the amazing people she meets along her journey. She coaches women to live and freely express themselves through words and action.

Founder of reMINDmeValues
www.remindmevalues.com
View profile at Medium.com
IG: @remindmevalues @tifflin123


Purchase your ticket here!

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/feminine-fun-and-freedom-tickets-37057961360

Ticket Price Includes:
– Silk dress with custom wrapping and blessing
– Cacao Ceremony
– Sound Healing
– Coaching Circle
– Custom set of reMINDmebands
– Overnight lodging (silk sheets)
– Healthy Breakfast
– Wind Dancing at the beach with personal shots/professional photography
– Sisterhood + Connection

Join Us for an Exclusive Coaching Circle for Moms

Coaching Circle for Moms

It’s time for moms to come together to talk about what it’s like being a woman and a mother. How do we navigate our own desire when we are busy taking care of kids, a relationship and a home? How do we follow our own desire and not be riddled with guilt? Keep our sex life alive? Or reignite it? How do we be a woman while still being a great mom? How can we have what we want when our default is to take care of everyone else?

Being on a ten year path of exploration, I have learned a lot. I have transformed myself, my life, and through that my relationship with my self, my children, my partner and the people around me is better than ever. The Dalai Lama said the world will be healed by the western woman. That is true. It starts with us, the women, the mothers.

If you are ready to take a stand for yourself, the time is now. Join my Circle for Moms! We will talk about topics such as desire, self love, sex, relationships, voice, purpose, authenticity and sisterhood.

This Circle is for you if you:
~are a mom and often navigate between being a woman and being a mother
~want to follow your true desire more and often find yourself doing for others more than yourself
~are interested in any or all of these topics: desire, self love, sex, relationship, parenting, speaking your voice, living more authentically
~want to work with me and want to start with a smaller bite

Details:

~Circle will be virtual, so moms anywhere may join in

~Time/day will be determined by the participants #momslikeitconvenient

~We will start at the end of October

~Circle is 6 weeks, one video call a week, 75 minutes

Investment:

$395 register by September 25

$449 register by October 10

$495 register after October 11

Let’s chat! If you would like to know more, let’s set up a zero obligation chat to see if this Circle for Moms is for you. Email me goddessbrenda24@gmail.com to set up a time that’s convenient for you.

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/coaching-circle-for-moms-tickets-37855072541

The Value of The Feminine by Yael Nevo

Looking back on the phases of the Western feminist revolution (and a revolution it is!), a lot has been accomplished, and we still have a long way to go.
I am a feminist. I proudly call myself a feminist because I know that I would not be where I am today and would not be able to have the experiences that I have had, if it wasn’t for many women (and men) who have and are backing me. I am also a feminist because I look at the world and I see a crisis that could only be changed by an increase of the currency we give feminine values.
Looking back on the social changes brought about by the feminist movement, first women had to straggle to have a voice. The rights for political participation, studying, working – women wanted to be in the world, to engage with and influence the decisions we take as a society. Then came a deeper and more fundamental change. Women wanted special rights based on different needs than men. We created flexible working conditions, maternity leave, a change in research methodologies etc. – we wanted an end to seeing men as the norm and having women forced to align. Then came a more substantial understanding of the differences between women. How class and race and sexual preferences and disability and age interact to create different views, needs and goals. Along this time, the concept of Queer gained momentum as well and we began to understand that our femininity (and masculinity) does not dwell in us simply because of our biological structure. It is wider, fluid and more complex than we thought.
Our world today has only scratched the surface of our understanding of Gender. This is true both essentially – meaning how we all carry different feminine and masculine energies within us, and more importantly, socially – meaning the extent of the permission we allow ourselves to explore these aspects in us and in others. We live in a society that declares equality for women, but constantly fails to acknowledge the true value of ‘The Feminine’, whether it is manifested within women, men, and everything in between.
And yes, using the term ‘The Feminine’ is tricky, so allow me to clarify. When using this phrase, I am referring to traits such as care, intuition, vulnerability, softness. The reason I am associating these qualities with femininity is not because women have sole ownership of them, but because these have historically and socially been attributed and therefore encouraged in women, and because these values have lower currency in our society than values that are associated with men such as rationality, strength and independence. Since we live in a world that adheres by the latter set of values and conforms all of us to align behind them, regardless of our gender identity, we still exclude many women from their legitimacy to full participation. I use the term ‘The Feminine’ as a way to reclaim what has been passed around as spoiled goods and show it for its true nature – life-sustaining force.
What we are experiencing is a crisis of connection. As a society, we are losing the capacity to truly relate to each other, by rewarding zero sum game of competition, valuing facts over feelings and suppressing emotions. We live isolated, over-worked, compensating for our lack in true connection by over-eating, over-drinking, shopping, porn and binge-watching. We look away from the suffering of others, and we rarely ask for help ourselves.
This hierarchal structure appears natural. This is how we were brought up – feminine values are underrated and appear weak if we were to express them, we will be put down, judged by others, and ourselves. However this structure is not a force of nature. It is a social structure meant to benefit the few. Maintaining unequal divisions, based in dog eat dog competition that serves this structure – keeps us separated, lonely, angry. This in turn creates space for more and more extreme voices, violence breaks and we either take part or numb ourselves in the face of it. Overall, we are distracted and depleted enough for this mechanism to keep going, for secret deals of arms trade or genetically modified food to go through, for our health and education services budget to be cut once again. And so we are detached from our real birthright of connection. We stopped caring for ourselves, for others, for our environment. We have lost the fundamental energy that will push us forward and tilt the scale from destruction to creation. And those few at the top, isn’t it the lack of connection that has them act so selfishly?
Imagine a world where care has a monetary value, where the more you show up for others and put attention on your environment, the more you are rewarded. A world where these values are not secondary or taken for granted, they are not something to practice on your spare time and they are not charity. What if we decide, right now that our care for other people and the acknowledgment of theirs and our own vulnerability were as important, if not more, than the matter of fact, utilitarian approach to life. What if we were to look at these as an investment, as a muscle that the more you flex it, the stronger it gets. What if we value the feminine, and the people who hold it not just as equals, but as precious?
And so the next step for feminism, the way I see it, is to acknowledge the deep deprivation we are living in, and to support not only women, but The Feminine, wherever and with whomever it shows up. It is time to feel.