Wake Up

Wake up

I wake up at the break of dawn

Full pulsing warm wet

I am reminded of the work being done during slumber.

Deep dreams of magic, where spirits and souls play

Deep magic where the things without words, those utterances take shape and form into words that strum the chords and echo throughout my body.

I wake up at the break of dawn

Full pulsing warm wet

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Aftermath of Heartbreak


Aftermath of Heartbreak by Ruth Kim


aftermath. You know when you’ve cried so much your teeth hurt, your eyes are swollen shut and you just can’t breathe anymore? Like you’ve cried the tears of all the unshed tears, your own and generations of women in my lineage. You wake up with the morning dew of all those expressed emotions you can’t take back. Because you know, there is no turning back to that way of love and life anymore. #spiritualawakening#lifeinthecrucible

I had a thought this morning. That I’ve spent most of my life trying to belong, be loved by someone else, family, friends, etc. I would do crazy things to belong and to be loved. Over giving, over eager, over the top whatever it was to belong and be loved. Then add on to that all the ways I acquiesced, agreed to things that didn’t feel good or the thing I knew in my gut it wasn’t going to turn out well and did it anyway. I even made this over giving and acquiescing a career for almost 20 years because a lifetime hobby wasn’t enough. And guess what. None of it got me anything remotely close to what I wanted. Because the thing I wanted didn’t live over there with someone else. The thing I wanted lives inside of me. No one can fill that.

The thing I couldn’t wrap my heart around was belonging to myself, loving myself. That. That is the best place to belong, be loved. Ain’t nobody gonna love me, like I do. Easier said than done, for sure. AND isn’t this the work for all of us?

Be kind; for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. – Socrates

This kindness Socrates speaks about comes from being kind to yourself. Loving yourself. Knowing that you belong to you. There is nothing for me to “get” that I don’t already have within myself: love and belonging.


A new foundation. Feels naked. Feels raw. Feels right.


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Heartbreak by Ruth Kim

Sometimes. You break your own heart. Today is one of those days. # heartbreak


I felt that feeling. The sinking feeling that I’ve felt before. The feeling of “Oh, I’ve over given. I’ve done it again.” The part of the story that tells me I’m the one that loves but not in return. The feeling of “I knew better than to agree to something that felt like bullshit.” The part of the story that tells me I am willing to try at all cost to belong but not really belonging.


I’ve done this sick cycle over and over again. It feels like this time, I have the choice to interrupt the cycle myself. So I made the decision to quit, eject myself from the situation. I pulled the plug on my own heart. For my sake. Heartbreak.


I broke my own heart knowing of a deeper promise of love. That is to love myself at all costs. I have faith that what was broken will heal.


Here is a special reflection from Ruth written months after the poem was written:

Trust Her. She knows. Even in heartbreak, She knew it was the only way. The only way to move forward is to feel the heartbreak and be broken completely. I can choose to continue suffering or I can choose the freedom to have what I want. Both paths hurt. However, there is one path that teaches our heart that we are more than our heartbreak.


At Backed by Women we know first hand how to navigate the struggles we all go through.  We invite you to join our community.  We have been in business for a year and are excited to announce we are expanding our services.  Learn more about our Mommy Concierge services.

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You still want to be friends?


You still want to be friends?

You and me,

we’ve done a lot together.

Explored some unfamiliar territories,

stretched to some unknowing edges.

We let out the dark parts. The raw parts.

You and me,

said some things,

Love and hate,

To connect and disconnect.

Felt some things,

both ecstasy and that dark primal heat.

Consumed and drowning in pleasure,

tearing at our hearts raw and beating.

Discomfort. For sure.

Boundaries crossed. Definitely.

Violations. Check.

And is there love?

You and me,

is it possible to be friends?

Even after all that?

I wasn’t good,

I wasn’t close to good.

I was too much and not enough,

I was all consuming and retracted.

I followed the rules and broke them all.

I let you in my heart and pushed you away.

I was honest and manipulative.

I was controlling and free.

I was out of control and tightly zipped.

I was light and dark.

Is this friendship?

I told you everything. Unfiltered.

The good, bad, provoking, tantalizing.

All of it from the inside out.

I opened up myself in dark places I rarely go.

Untethered and angry.

Messy crazy unbuttoned and real.

Even after all that.

You still want to be friends?

I’m challenged by that admission.

I’m confronted to know that there is enough love between us to have.

That I can be that awful and you still want to be friends.

I am now sobering up.

Embarrassed that I couldn’t see that you didn’t want me that intimately.

Terrifically humiliated by my behavior. And shocked.

It leads me to sit with myself.

Do I have enough love for myself to forgive myself and stay connected?

Is this my ego at play that I can’t bend towards loving these parts of me?

My own admission that I have lots of for love you but I don’t have enough love for myself yet. That. Breaks my heart.

So for now.

I’m working on befriending myself.

Figuring out how to be friends with everyone while I’m loving myself in places that feel unlovable.

Bending my ego, wrestling it down to allow for my imperfections, darkness, flaws to be loved.


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Dear God

dear god

Dear God

How many days do I start with— Dear God?

How many times do I utter those words?

I remember reading Judy Blume‘ s Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret as a kid.

Sometimes I feel like her.

That innocence and  curiosity with an edge of agitation. You know that one?

Some days I feel joy and abundance.

Most days in utter desperation of not knowing what the future holds, carrying sin’s in my heart, and just plain old humility of my humanity.

Dear God, I pray. Dear God, I cry.

Dear God, I whisper in the dark recesses of my heart.

Some days I forget the gravity of uttering the words— Dear God.

Today, I am aware of the magnitude of calling your name, conversing with You, communing with You.

The God of my understanding is omniscient and He: put me together in spirit and in form, put me on a path to know Him, put me on a path that I may see His love for me and the ones I love.

Whether in joy or sorrow, victory or utterly devastated, You show up in kindness and love.

The chambers of my heart echo songs like these:

Nothing can separate me from Your love

You know the plan for me: plans to prosper me

It is written in my heart to seek and to know of Your love.

Dear God, may I see you and know you today.

~Ruth Kim

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Here is a message from Ruth:

“I love coaching mothers with school aged children. My educational background is in Social Work and early childhood. I’ve been in teaching and education for the last 16 years. The thing I want to offer is wisdom and guidance as your child grows and develops on the path that is right for you and your family. I offer professional advice regarding schooling and education, advocating for your child, understanding if your child is GT as well as any questions you make have about your child’s development.”

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Introducing Coffee Talk Coaching with Nancy Coleman


At Backed by Women, we are thrilled to introduce Coffee Talk Coaching with Nancy Coleman

” Nancy Coleman at Coffee Talk Coaching is one of the most skilled coaches in navigating the complexities of the mind and heart. Book a session with her and do the work to set your soul free.”- Ruth Kim, Founder of Backed by Women

Nancy recently launched her business and this is what she has to say about her vision:

“A force greater than ourselves is always included in my coffee talk coaching; always. ITS power is beyond a human power and together we take the journey of recognizing that we are not alone and healing happens in connection. I believe in the power of the dismantling of a false reality where the noise and unnecessary suffering can stop; where making a single shift in perception and perspective changes everything in an instant; and a spiritual experience can occur.

Sometimes we think that there should be an easier way for all this to happen but I believe it requires a sincere effort, a desire so deep that you will do whatever it takes to get free. I made this vow to God over and over and I became constantly faced with the challenge of doing the work to be true to my vow.


We all have the conditions of our lives that created our belief systems and resulting behaviors and emotional reactions. What I found is that no person could do the work for me. No therapist or bodyworker could help me release myself into freeing My mind. I found that it was me and God together — with guidance from teachers — but my teachers could only guide me in the direction I needed to go but couldn’t do the actual work for me.

I find that not everyone is wired to want to do this kind of work. I am.  And I love working with people who are ready to roll their sleeves up and do the work. I am only a guide, you will do the work required for yourself. If this is what you want, I’m in.”

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You Do NOT Have To Be Good

You do not have to: a conversation with geese

You Do Not Have To Good:

A Conversation between Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese and Me

You do not have to be good.

Uh. What do you mean, I don’t have to be good. Doesn’t everyone have to be good? Aren’t there rules about this somewhere? Who said that I don’t have to be good?
And why does my heart crack when I hear those words? Why are there tears streaming down?
Don’t I have to be good? Don’t I?
Heaves of tears roll.
I do not have to be good.
Eyes heavy so heavy. Slumber like an old being put to rest.

You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

A sucker punch to the gut with stinging knees and a hundred years of exhaustion. Un-forgiveness firmly rooted as evidenced by my calloused bleeding knees by my ever persistence to believe that old being. Why, you say? Why do you do this to yourself? Why do you make Her beg and repent for the things She wants? Because maybe I believed that old being inside that says that I’m not good and that there couldn’t be enough love inside to make good all the mistakes, judgements, unkind, vile, and harmful things I’ve done. And yet, She doesn’t have an itemized list of the the good and the bad and the atrocious things I’ve done. Only that She’s with me. Loving myself in all those moments uproots un-forgiveness and sets Her free. I don’t have to be good. I can forgive myself.

My borrowed prayer:
“If I have harmed anyone in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through my own confusions, I ask their forgiveness. If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through their own confusions, I forgive them. And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive, I forgive myself for that. For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusions, I forgive myself.”

You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Gulp. This part. This thing I’ve known and tasted before. Where hunger and appetite meet and can’t seem to consume enough. This part She says to set free. It’s true, I love what I love. and it’s soft. and it’s animal.
You do not not have to walk on your knees repenting about the things you love. Like sheep molting layers of that old being. You do not have to be good.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clear blue air, are heading home again.

It’s here. The Land where the wild geese head home. Head home to The Land.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination.

My own imagination was full of traps and tricks to protect this thing called me. I’m finding my imagination needs others, that connection and reflection and the adding to the creative collective, to include the world and it’s possibilities.

It calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

It’s your place to have all your desires. It’s my place to have all my desires. There’s always plenty for everyone in a world of possibilities.
The wild geese and me.

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Breaking the Rules

breaking rules

Breaking the Rules by Ruth Kim

Today is usually a really hard day for me. And it wasn’t. That’s kind of the inappropriate thing to say on the day your mom’s passing. I’m breaking the rules.

I’ve been exploring this thing called feelings. Because I tend to have a lot of them. Whether I tell you or not! It’s shocking to me every time someone says that they can feel my internal state of emotions. The very thing I’ve worked on all of my life to keep buttoned up, manage. Only letting some people experience the a sliver of this rich emotional being inside.

These feelings. All these emotions. It’s all love. Love stuck inside. I live in regret and grief when I keep myself buttoned up. I kept myself buttoned up like all of Queen Victoria’s dresses. Decades of regret become decades of grief… of love unexpressed.

So today, I unbutton some buttons. Let my feelings emotions and thoughts out. And wow. There are a lot of them. They don’t make sense. They contradict. They are just what they are. And it’s ok. I don’t have to make sense of them. Nor does anyone else. I can let myself out.

And I’m realizing that the more I come out and experience the abundance of love to be had. The less I grieve.

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The Soul Remembers the Love by Ruth Kim


The Soul Remembers the Love

Love planted deeply into souls

Stays with them

No matter what they do or where they go

The soul remembers the love, knows of your love

Like babies that know their mother

And like mothers, sometimes we get to see up close and snuggled in, the love we share

Sometimes we get to see from a distance what becomes

And sometimes like a prodigal, we may not see until their return

Know this— you did not waste your love, ever.

-Ruth Kim


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Self development, women, sexuality, power, growth

It’s been a year since the launch of Backed By Women

It’s been a year since the launch of Backed By Women. What a year it has been. I’ve been through so much this year. It has been a year of being Backed by Women at every turn. Here are the top 7:

  1. Risk:

Launching a business born out of a deep longing to pay it forward, the abundance of love poured into my life. I have been blessed to have more women in my life to call sisters. I would not be the woman I am today without the connection, support and backing of all the women in my life.

This platform is to provide a place where women around the world, all stages of womanhood can come to get connected to not only survive, but also thrive together through coaching, teaching and community. This is where women are backed by women who have walked in the same path and have wisdom, insight and love to share. A risk on my behalf in offering the greatest gift as women, guideposts and sisterhood among the process of becoming, woman.

  1. Remembering:

Through this year, I had to remember to love myself on those cold dark days where it was just me and all the women in my heart reminding me that I’m worth loving. That I’m the one that needs to love herself more. Such a hard thing to hear and to do… and yet, my life isn’t the same without it. Those voices heard in my heart to take care of myself, to love myself enough. I have women like:

  • Marla: Stay true to yourself!
  • Emma: You have a lot of love to give!
  • Dieniz: Let’s partner and do this together!
  • Becky: We learn and grow in connection!
  • Taisha: Stay connected!

So many others who have partnered with me and are dreaming with me.


  1. Rejection:

Nothing is worth anything than the risk to having it. Sometimes you face the response of a no. Feel all there is to feel. And realize that something may not be for you. It’s all a blessing in disguise. As Rev Jo says, “Rejection is God’s protection.” The thing I’m learning is to stay open in the midst of the no because you get to see what else is available, the blessings that you can have.


  1. Resigned:

I resigned as a leader in education. I’ve never quit anything in a formal capacity. Never. I’m the one that sees it through, to the end. I broke a rule. I broke a pattern of being. I can say that there is freedom on this side of knowing. My body and my health cannot be sacrificed for anything or anyone any longer. I am now resigned to living a life that is good to my body, my health and my soul.


  1. Relationships:

I’ve learned it feels better to do the thing that is true to who you are. For some people, fighting feels so good. For me, fighting is the antithesis of feeling good. I think it’s because I’m a gentle yet fierce creature. It’s my job to teach others how to be in relationship with me. It’s been eye opening on how much more I can open when I people know this about me!


  1. Relocating

I’ve relocated home. Home is where I feel good. It’s not where I have to work or because my family is there. Home is where I come to heal, rest, come alive, and get nourished. After 13 years of living in NYC, I’ve come to terms that I need a slower and gentler pace to feel good. I’ve relocated to northern California, in a valley between mountains with rivers that run through it. Living here, I’m firmly reminded that relocating to where it feels good was the best decision I’ve made in my life.


  1. Restoration

4 months before relocating, I had been run down with some sort of flu after flu. Doctor after doctor said each time that I hadn’t rested enough and got sick, again. Month after month, struggling to rest, struggling to work, struggling to exist. I spent 3 weeks sleeping, eating and hydrating. Moved to northern California and rested some more. Living from a place of rest. My health in 2 weeks of moving, dramatically changed. I no longer had the flu. I no longer need thyroid medicine. I feel so much better!!!


None of this is possible without the women in my life supporting me from risk to reward, from suffering to restoration. I used to live life having to line all my ducks in a row to feel like I’m safe. Those ducks were my safety net and I did it by myself. I’ve come to a deep realization that the safety net isn’t ME or any ducks! My safety net are the women who support me with deep connection, telling the truth, sharing the overflow of love and a whole lot of fun.  This is my hope for all of us at Backed By Women and all of us on the path of becoming women, one day at a time.


A moment of gratitude for those of you supporting me, us, this endeavor to change the tide on how we relate as women. Thank you for your support, your love, your attention. We aren’t connected here by mistake. There is something true, undeniable, and important here. Thank you for recognizing us and sharing your likes and posts. Keepem’ comin’! We have more comin’!